Peace in the Desert

For miles and miles there has been nothing to quench my thirst.  All I see is white sand for miles. I often wonder if I am still in the earth. I need something to drink or soon I will die. I see clouds above my head, perhaps they will bring rain my way, but it has been years and there is no rain. I continue my desert travels looking for a friend a stranger, but there is no one. I don’t want to give up, but am now so beaten by the sun, calloused and bruised. Who would recognize me? Who would help me? I am no longer the woman I once was.

Ah…there is a tree to my right. I will get shade there, rest there, and I will call water from the tree. “Tree give me water to drink,” I command. But the tree does not respond. I kick the tree. I pull the leaves from the tree. I consume the leaves, for much needed nourishment. I do everything to get water from that tree, but it produces no water. I curse it and leave.

My desert journey is making me frail and sick. Give me a drink, Earth. Satisfy me. And then a deadly scorpion appears. Surely I can capture it and drink its poison. Will not his poison quench my thirst? But the scorpion alludes me. He rattles his tail and toys with me until I give up. Hopeless.

I am certain death is near.  In my despair, the heat and pain, I fall asleep. I just want to die there. But I begin to dream. In my dream I see a fountain with clear, rushing water. I drink and drink and drink. Surely, I am in Heaven. I am quenched, only to awaken to blistered skin and feet. My thirst is quickly returned. I sit in the desert heat waiting and wanting to die.

“Kill me, God!”, I cry. “This heat, my thirst! Oh God…I am ready to die in this desert. I have wandered for so long. My friend is gone. I don’t know my way. I have nothing left. I am depleted. I am frail. I have no strength. Have mercy on me, God. If you love me give me something to drink or kill me now!”

I throw myself into the hot sand, and begin to drink of the earth. The grains choke me and I cough. I know this is where I will die. So, I await my death. I lie beneath the sun, and die.

Then God answers, “Daughter are you thirsty? If you are thirsty why haven’t you asked Me for a drink?” I can no longer see. It could not be God. I am dead. Surely I am dead from this desert heat. And God continues, “You spoke to the clouds, cursed the tree — you believed in your dream, you even befriended a scorpion, and I AM the living water you seek.”

“You chose to walk through the desert heat alone, becoming ill and willing to die. However, you never called on ME. Never once did you speak to ME. I was waiting to hear your voice. I died to quench your soul. But you never shared your story with me. Again, how is it you dreamt of waters and yet never asked of ME? I love you daughter.”

“Your source was never in the clouds, the tree, your friend, or the scorpion. I AM your Source. I have always been your Source — now come drink my living water and thirst no more. Fall into my arms. Rest here. Cast all your cares and pain here. I see your bruises, calloused feet and hands. I will restore and heal you. Now drink. Yes, drink my daughter. I understand.”

“Daughter, you must know, the desert was never designed to become your home. There were detours along the way you would not see. To the left of the tree there was a well, but you cursed the tree, and the clouds were always guiding you to freedom, but you stopped looking. Inside of you I lived, and yet you would not see ME in you. This desert place was designed for your surrender. Now rise up from your despair and LIVE, daughter! No more tears. You are enough. Today you have received everything to LIVE. Now LIVE freely. Leave from here, and don’t look back. Never allow another to bring you here — ever again. This is not your home. Now go, my daughter. Live abundantly and know I AM always here with you, within you.” ~

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Blessings ~

SereneB

I no longer ‘free-a-way’ what is valuable to me. None of us do really. You see, once we know our personal value and what is valuable to us, we recognize the cost associated with what we have learned, working in our giftedness and/or living our personal beliefs. We never ‘free-a-away’ again.

It’s important to note, we must know our value and what is valuable to understand how this dynamic truly works in our lives. I have been studying and training for weeks, well in reality years for a Life-Coaching certification, among other educational pursuits, because I am a glutton for ‘punishment’, I guess. To receive a Life-Coaching certification, I had to complete coaching practicums, which I was ‘freeing-a-way’ initially. With anyone who would work with me, I was ready to go. But then, it dawned on me, “How can I ‘free-a-way’ this precious gift”? One of my clients dropped this knowledge on me during a session. She said, “What you’re gifting is too valuable!”

That question shifted my entire paradigm regarding my certification, education and spiritual gifts. The message of Christ is free, but the cost to deliver that hope and empowerment is as great as it would be in delivering any other product or service of like value. I had chosen to short change my work, because it was Christ-centered. But that is not His abundant life.

This shift in thought allowed me to change my perspective on business and what ‘$free-99′ was costing me. What I was making available is indeed a gift–a gift with power, impact and results. There is huge difference in how people perceive and receive ‘free’ stuff and a gift in many cases.

Free is often disregarded as having or adding no value. Sometimes it is even discarded. A gift on the other hand, is often unexpected, a welcomed surprise, treasured, received warmly, and graciously. Now I do not get to determine how another receives my gift, but I get to determine the value and spirit in which it is given, and to do so is definitely Christ-like.

This lesson taught me to keep my spirit in alignment with my core values always, which prevents others from devaluing my giftedness. Now remember, they can choose to devalue my gift. I cannot control how others receive my gift. But knowing and mastering self allows me to trust the value of me, and that is something no one can take away. It is so good to know yourself.  Blessings Beautiful people!

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"I Do?"

Genesis 18 

Genesis 19

OK, President Obama’s position and his personal thoughts regarding gay marriage are just that. They are his personal beliefs.  Does this make him less Christian, less black, less good, or more bad?  Many would say, “Yes”. However, I think not.  We all have varying perspectives and views on this subject and many others.  Have you taken a position lately on divorce in our country or your state even (the devastation on families), adultery, abortion, or lying, all of which God hates?  I am certain your views vary from my own and the good Christian who sits next to you on Sunday morning.

Listen, Bible scholars (which I am not), homophobes (which I am not) and the like. When God set out to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, He came to Abraham and told him of His plans.  When God shared His plans with Abraham, what did Abraham do?  Did he consult the kings of the lands of Sodom and Gomorrah and insist on immediate change?  No!  Did he seek an appointment with congress or senate leaders?  No!  Did he bash homosexuals?  No!  Did he call for a special election?  No! Did he need to take a poll among his supporters?  No!  What did Abraham do?  He prayed and interceded on behalf of Sodom and Gomorrah that God would not destroy the land and its people. He pleaded with God.

"We The People."

Too many of us Christians are quick to spout off God’s Word and take a position without an understanding of our faith or The Constitution of the United States of America (which is at the crux of this marriage debate) or our political process.  Does the Bible I read condone homosexuality?  No!  Do I ‘support’ a homosexual lifestyle? No!  Do I love homosexuals?  Yes!  Do I condone adultery, lying, murder, or stealing.  No!  And yet, I have been all of these.  But by God and His grace, I am called to love my neighbor as myself. ‘The greatest of these is love.’  As I reflect on The Constitution of the United States of America, do I believe we should withhold rights and freedoms, which are afforded to me and you from homosexuals?  I would have to say no, and this not based on my faith in Christ, but the law of our land.  This is a constitutional and/or civil issue.  This is not an issue, which we may resolve in our church pulpits via sermons or conventions, but only through prayer, love and Christ like action.

As Christians, we are so busy dissecting homosexuals, taking a position, looking for a sound bite, or making a point that we are missing the bigger issue here an understanding of our very own faith, which calls us to love, prayer and yes action.  Abraham began to intercede and pleaded with God.  Yes that is action, but not many Christians have been moved to such action, as it appears weak or without power (or so what have I heard).  Where is our faith, believers?  Do we not believe in the power of prayer?

To change a nation, city, community or people, there must be love, dialogue and intercession among those of faith.  If you desire to take a position, do so.  I understand, however, that you should allow your position to line up with your faith–the entirety of your faith not a piece of your faith.  Understand the issue here and the laws of this land in which we live.

If we seek to change anything, it begins with love. There are many things, which need change in the United States.  That, is for sure.  Let me make that a bit smaller for you. How about right here in Chicago, Ill where senseless gang violence kills daily and where children shot in the streets and miseducated.

Several things personally bring me great angst:  homelessness, health care or lack thereof, miseducation, poverty, domestic violence, and I could go on.  Disallowing gay marriage will not magically heal the ills of our land.  Sorry to say folks.  Healing America is not all wrapped up in a pretty should “gays should be allowed to marry” bow.  This is merely political banter and campaigning at its best, something we as Christians should be able to see straight through.

As always I welcome your feedback.

In my offering to help others, sometimes I would become upset when they refused or didn’t accept my help in a manner I deemed acceptable.  There were other times when I just threw in the towel and said, “Well, I tried”.  Was it really about helping another or did my ego need stroking?  Did I feel the need to be in a position of superiority or authority?  Again my ego.

There is never a need for my anger or despair when offering help to another.  It is, after all, help, and not a legislative mandate.  No one has to receive my help because I offered. And if my help does not coming from a place of LOVE, is it help at all?

When a person is ready for help they need, they will seek it.  I have learned that my responsibility and position during this season is to LOVE, PRAY, LIVE, and acknowledge that we must be ready to help before we receive it.  Our change comes when we offer the same compassion Jesus offered those He ministered to, never forcing and always LOVING.

This is Love

This writing is not an exhaustive work on what love is. Heaven forbid! It is simply my pondering on our expectations in love when it hasn’t shown itself to exist.

Where to begin?

Well, at the beginning. God is Love. So, get over asking other people to love you the way you want or need to be loved. Ask God!

In our wounded humanity we are far too selfish to assess the needs and wants of other’s inside a love relationship.  Why? Because we are consumed with looking out for number one, which is me, myself, and I (what I call the anthem of the lonely) to give a care about what someone else wants or needs.

Who is my love?

We yearn and sometimes beg (yes, I’ve begged) for true love, but are often asking in vain. We are engaged in communion with the wrong ‘lover’. We are born and learn to love with our flawed human knowledge and understanding of it from our personal knowledge and experiences. What we have seen and been taught or not, we often emulate inside of a love relationship. That love is kind and patient stuff, well let’s just say we will only be kind and patient for so long before we are in the wind.  And then it’s bye-bye birdie.

Courtship 

Prayerfully, if you are in a courtship or marriage, it is with someone who knows love (God is Love), and therefore they are able to love you beyond themselves. Quite honestly, we should all be in this courtship with self and love long before we enter into an intimate relationship with another. What a burden we place on others when we need them for all of our love. I was once the queen of such bondage, but that is indeed for another post.

The Other Side

The other side of the love equation is, ‘we’ get to do the ‘loving’ by ourselves. It sounds romantic and faithful (to ourselves and our partners). But, once the romance fades and the sizzle is no longer hot, we begin to feel short changed and most definitely we become exhausted in the loving process. Loving in our own strength is a lot of damn work. It’s a process we learn to hate. As a matter of fact, it is just beyond our ability to love as Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 13. Proof of this is in divorce courtrooms all across America. Somehow we started off in ‘love’ (well some of us) and then we end up in battles over air conditioning units (yes, I actually had that battle in court), pets, toasters, visitation over children we created ‘in-love’, and money. A little bit and a lot. By the end, we are in need of a love greater than our own to sustain any relationship. Romantic or otherwise.

 Good Fruit is Ripe and It’s Sweet

Stop! Yes, stop expecting love from anyone who does not know love! It’s just unfair. When you think about it, it’s really kind of silly! Would you ask a lion for a hug or a snake for a kiss (well, I have asked many a snake for a kiss and let me just say I was bitten each time. But again, that’s for another post.)? Of course not! However, that is exactly what many of us do when we ask someone to love us when they do not know love. We set them, ourselves and our relationship up for failure and pain. Oh, and that would include asking those of us who are in the body of Christ for love. Yes, sorry to say, but to be covered by Him does not mean I bear his fruit in my life. Bearing His fruit is my choice. It is not magic. What is this fruit? Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 13:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

Did you note that I underlined always. This is God’s love, people. It is always on! None of us are all of these things and never always. We need love that we would allow His fruit to fall into the lives of others and sweeten our relationships. There is simply a limit to our human love. There is a period at the end of my love. It stops. We each have a tipping point. And when enough is enough it’s bye-bye birdie.

Confusion 

We try to make love so many other things. We confuse love with lust, possessions, money, or emotional feelings. However, love is none of these. It is defined in the verses above. And the Word of God further instructs us in 1 John 4:8 (NIV)  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. Ouch! We often believe we are so full of love, yet we he hate our in-laws. We can’t stand our bosses. We don’t forgive. We have attitudes, and we justify that foolishness, because we are loving from our flawed humanity. And here’s one for you; why be in a relationship with one who does not know God, if you do? That is an enemy set up. All day! And, if we profess to know Him and we are not bearing fruit, we must ask ourselves this question, “Do I really know God”? Do you know him when you’re hating? Do you know him when you’re cursing? Do you really know God?!

No more expectations

Take your heart off your sleeve as hard as that may be in this moment, and wipe the tears from your eyes. I did! If someone is bearing fruit in your life then you are receiving God’s love. Unfortunately, there will still be mess ups. Expect the mess. God does! After all, we are all imperfect men, but love!

If that woman is bearing no fruit, she will love you as hard as she can. She too will mess up and you should expect it. God does. She may ask your forgiveness or not. She may understand her challenges or not. She may continue in her behavior or not. Just pray because we have all been this person. We’ve all been selfish and looked out for number one at some point in our lives. We are born and trained for it, but love.

If someone does not know love, we must refrain from asking for it, telling them how to give it or expecting it to show up. Again, we are asking a lion for a hug or a snake for a kiss. What a man (or woman) does not know, he simply cannot give. It’s just strange fruit to him.

In just one week on Saturday, May 12th from noon to 5pm Chicagoan’s will convene on one of the West Loop’s best kept secrets, the “Fulton Market” neighborhood. This rising urban mecca, formerly best known as ‘the meat packing district’ will host “Explore Fulton Market”.   Join me, Jeffrey Breslow and a host of this neighborhood’s most exciting artisans, designers, restaurants, boutiques, and more for a fun and really cool day of exploration in Chicago’s West Loop.

I love this event because it’s truly one of the best ways to visit artists’ studios and galleries without fear! You can walk in, browse and ask those ‘really silly’ questions like, “How much does this painting cost?” without feeling like a ‘dweeb’.  Not that you should ever feel that way, but I know gallery visits can be daunting.

This is a great opportunity to be free to be you! Explore, ask, and buy! Get to know the artists and owners. They really do love talking about themselves and their work. And so you’re not confused, all participating Explore Fulton Market businesses will have red balloons at their door. That means you’re welcome to walk right in. What’s even cooler is that this neighborhood is kid and dog friendly.

The “Fulton Market” district is acclaimed for its art galleries, artists studios, interior designers, niche specialty boutiques, and eateries. Many will be participating in this year’s event including:  Packer Schopf Gallery, Peter Miller Gallery, Rhona Hoffman Gallery, FM Gallery, Douglas Dawson Gallery, Jeffrey Breslow Studio, Takohl Gallery of Jewels, Linda Warren Projects, Morlen Sinoway Atelier, FIX Fashions, FM Hair Studio, Organic Loom and so many more. You won’t want to miss neighborhood eats like JP Graziano’s, Publican Quality Meats and Jupiter Outpost Restaurant. And not to mention, FREE coffee samples at La Colombe Cafe 955 W. Randolph.

There’s a great “Map Game” for Saturday’s festivities as well with some really cool prizes too. I mean, these area businesses are pulling out all the stops. The Publican is giving away a gift certificate and Organic Looms, a handcrafted rug. Private Dental is giving away a free teeth whitening, while FM Hair Studio, a $100 gift certificate. And there’s much more. Check out their website for game details.

After my early exploration feats (long before you guys arrive), I will be showing the work of sculptor Jeffrey Breslow.  Join us at 1015 W. Fulton Market Street, enjoy a glass of wine and specialty cheeses. Check out the latest work of sculptor Jeffrey Breslow and by all means play the Explore Fulton Market map game for a chance to win a table top sculpture by Mr. Breslow.

For more information on Explore Fulton Market visit ExploreFultonMarket.com  or contact Jeffrey Breslow at the Jeffrey Breslow studio 312-526-3700.

See you Saturday, May 12th noon-5pm for Explore Fulton Market!

Hotter than fish grease!

Emotion:

e·mo·tion  (-mshn) n. 1. A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling: the emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love. 2. A state of mental agitation or disturbance: spoke unsteadily in a voice that betrayed his emotion. See Synonyms at feeling. 3. The part of the consciousness that involves feeling; sensibility: ”The very essence of literature is the war between emotion and intellect” (Isaac Bashevis Singer). – theFreeDictionary

Strike One

If I were in alignment with my spirit, I would have known I was feeling a little emotional yesterday.  Just a little on the other side serene, if you know what I mean.  I am certain I would not have overreacted.  Well, at least I do not think so.  My day seemed to be going well, however I did not have my morning prayer and devotional time. Strike one.

I will admit I get more accomplished when I have devotion in the morning, but this morning I dove right into the business of the day. And the day appeared to be going well. There were signs here and there of a little morning emotional eruption, but I was all good. No cause for alarm. At least that is what I was telling myself.  Hmm. Then there came my response to that text message.  Not so cool, but minor in the grand scheme of things.  Just a little agitated.  And then there was that phone call, which irritated me, but all in all it ended well. I was ok. That was until about 4:00 pm.

Strike Two

At 4:00 pm every day, my daughters start to arrive home from school. Now, I know this, and you would think after 19 years of  parenting I would be prepared for this pleasant, albeit disruption, in my flow. However, I must admit that it still takes me by surprise every time. But I was still good, or so I thought.  That is until my youngest daughter asked me if she could go outside, even though her room was not clean. And I was good until my 17 year old asked to have a party for her theatre department…at my home…next week. And her progress report reflected grades in the gutter!  The nerve! Oh yeah, I felt it rising. I felt all of my emotions beginning to stir. I felt the need to take a long hot bath, but did I?  Ugh-hell no.  Instead I ignored what I was feeling.  I suppressed the antsy irritation and my temperature rising. “Strike Two”.

Now although I was feeling disturbed, that wasn’t the tip of my iceberg. I told my youngest daughter, “No, you cannot go outside until your chores are done”.  I told my 17 year old, “Sorry, no party with grades like that”. And let me just say, the latter decision really hurt, because it is something I wanted to do for her. But not with grades like that! Hell no! So, by this time, everything is settled. Bedrooms are being cleaned and so is the kitchen. In the midst of my beginning to feel a little settled, I got a call from my youngest daughter’s teacher. Again! She was writing tweets in class!  Oh, really! You have got to be kidding me? And not on a computer, but she was actually writing “tweets” that she would post later that evening, or so she thought.  Now, I had a couple of choices after receiving that phone call. I could meditate in a long hot shower and address my daughter later, or I could go to her and let her have it. Which option do you think I chose? I’ll give you a minute.

Strike Three

I screamed that girl’s name! No answer. So, I marched upstairs. Children were gone! Yes, both of them! What the hell?! They just slipped out the door! Gone. Poof! The kitchen was a mess, and the bedrooms were not clean at all!  Yes, I was fit to be tied. I was livid! I was hotter than fish grease! I was on a mission. I started dialing cell phones. No answers. I dialed again. No answers. And again. No answers. Finally, the youngest picks up, and I…”Breathe, Serene”.  No, I didn’t breathe! I went OFF! “Strike three!” I was ‘outta’ the damn ball park!

I screamed and ranted on that phone like a raving lunatic. I could feel the veins pulsating in my head. I made them both come home immediately. My emotions were wild! Why? Because I expected better from them. I expected rooms to be cleaned. I expected better progress reports. I expected a conversation before anyone left this house. And I was still upset about that damn text from earlier in the day.

I screamed something into that phone, which broke my heart. It went something like @#*($($@ and @*#*$^5 and @!$^#&$(* and you $#@*$&% you @*$&%^#. And then, I heard my daughter’s voice. Shattered! I was ashamed.  I was hurt. I was appalled. My emotions had won. Again. Like Peter, I was out of control and totally justified in my mind. I wanted to take swift action.  I wanted to let my children know who was in charge at my house. But instead, I had hurt my daughter’s feelings and wounded myself in the process. I wish I could say, this was the first time. But, it was not. I had to ask for God’s forgiveness. Again! I had to ask for my daughter’s forgiveness. Again!

Under Control

There are really only two emotional places from which I may operate, one is love and the other is fear. And they cannot occupy the same space. I once believed the emotional place of love was a safe place for me. Unfortunately, emotions are never really a safe place, unless I am taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I can never bank on my emotions when I am in control. Emotions are tricky and fickle. They are not bad, but do require discipline to serve in a healthy way. Unfortunately, emotions get a bad rap because people like me have allowed there emotions to run wild.  I often hear, “You’re so emotional”. Yes, I am emotional. It doesn’t make me a bad person just maybe someone who needs to become a master. A master of my mind!

Quite honestly, I didn’t know there was a difference between my emotions and my thoughts until yesterday. Well, actually I did, but I didn’t care to understand. Seriously, I lived as if they were one in the same. That may sound strange to you, but it’s the truth. From what I see raging in society, many people operate from the same faulty premise of ‘what I feel is what I think and do, and that’s ok‘. But is that the truth? When I exploded, I did indeed love my daughters in mind. I knew that. However, my Christ mind was not in control. I was. I allowed my emotions to tell me what to do, and let me just say, it’s easy to allow emotions to rule. It takes work to master the mind. As a matter of fact, to master the mind is a lifetime process.

Love is awesome when we are truly operating in love (and in the event you are confused about the definition take a read in 1 Corinthians 13). But when operating in the emotional place of love, watch out! I have done some crazy things in the name of love (but that’s for another post), many which were unhealthy at best. And believe it or not, when I was in those moments, I believed love was my motivator. However, in reality it was fear. For example, I once feared a man was going to leave me, and he did. My response to his departure was um, less than Christian. We’ll save that for another post as well. Again, I wanted to believe my response was love motivated, because I ‘loved’ him. However, my response was all me and control! Out of control emotions never work in our favor.

I have to mature and learn:

• Things are not always going to be the way I desire.
• People are not always going to do what I want them to.
• People are not always going to treat me well.

However, in all of that, I have the power to control my mind, which allows me to check my emotions.  No, I cannot control the thoughts which enter my mind. But I can control which thoughts I allow to linger and my responses to them. It takes a lot of work. For me, it may take more work than most. But here’s my process of working through my emotions, and I believe aligns with Romans 12:2:

1. I acknowledge I have an issue. When something happens or is happening there is no need to suppress the emotion.
2. I can take a moment to reflect on what is wrong, and determine if it is true. Does the event even exist? That is one of the most difficult places. Often times, nothing has really occurred but our emotions will tell us differently.
3. I must determine how to cope with my emotions and what I am feeling. God says we are to cast all our cares on Him. I don’t have to stew in anything. I must release that stuff. It’s toxic to hold on to it.
4. There are times when we need help to solve a particular issue, and we need to ask for it. First ask God and then seek out the resources we need.
5. I must choose to think on the things God has called me to. Philippians 4:8 says, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

This is good news! I can control the flow of emotions in my life and LIVE in GOD’S best for me. I get to control how I feel. Circumstances, events or people do not dictate whether I operate from a unhealthy or healthy place. I do, and that really is good news! Now arm yourself, and know you don’t have to strike out. After all we’re not playing baseball.  This is life!

Peace and blessings Beautiful people.  I’d love to hear from you.

If you are like me, and you are getting that push, stir or agitation in your spirit, which would normally make you retreat, breathe through it. Thank GOD for it. Don’t run or hide. Don’t second guess your plan.

Without a push, stir or agitation how would I know I am alive?  If I operate only from my comfort zone, I may see good things. However, I will never see amazing things. Miracles happen in faith. So, I am stepping out in my nervous energy, loving my stir and agitation, because on the other side of faith is MY miracle.

I Left

For 15 years there was dead silence between us.  My spirit was deaf.  I did not know what to say to Him, and I did not open my mouth.  I was a mute.  I was on pause, and the batteries were dead.  I could no longer hear His voice, and I understood why.  I had @!#* it up.  I did not see Him anymore, and I no longer felt His touch. So I left.  I ended our relationship without one word.  I left him.  I left the raggedy church, the sorry preachers and I never said goodbye.

And let me tell you, my leaving didn’t matter much then.  I was so blinded by the series of events, which ended my six year relationship and who did what to me.  Hell, it was all I could think of.  I was blinded by the lies, the guilt, the shame, and the secrets I would be forced to keep for life.  The secrets, which protected me, ‘them’, and the innocent.  Indeed I understood why the relationship needed to end.  I was a mess!  It was all a mess.  There was nothing I could do to fix it or make it right.  It was over.  I was over.  The church was going to hell as it was all one big lie and the preachers were in it as far as I was concerned.  Oh, and I was one of those preachers.

The Theatre

I had moved on with my life performing on stage for the masses, and I often received applause.  I was good on stage.  I could play dress-up and pretend.  I was acting for a living, but my heart wasn’t in it.  On stage I could pretend to have what I did not: confidence.  I was comfortable there.  I could be viewed, but not touched.  I could cry, and they would not know my pain.  I could speak, and no one would know my truth.  There was safety when I was on stage.

New Allies

I created new allies.  No longer in the church, I was safe from the fake, phony and plastic.  I allowed my new community of the hurting, ailing, and dying to become my life support.  My new ‘friends’ embraced me without question.  They abondoned my ill behaviors of lying, fornicating and adultery.  We all had secrets.  Dirty secrets, which kept us close, hurting and living as victims, but we were our sisters keepers.  In this community you could expect a stab in the back.  You knew who would turn on you.  Lies were frequent and the party was always on.

I was looked at, but never seen

For 15 long years I lived in a world that looked at me, but couldn’t see me.  I was still a mother and a good mother at that.  For some of those years I was a wife, and for some of those years I was also a good wife.  I cooked dinners, had parties, worked.  I even preached on some Sunday mornings, but I was absent and hallow.  But somehow He would use me still.  Have you ever been absent? Missing from your own life?  Yes, I was MIA in my own damn story.

In my new community of the ailing, hurting and wounded, we laughed and cried together.  We created chaos, divorced, moved, lost, and reinvented ourselves time and time again.  We welcomed new members.  We ‘worshiped’ together.  We listened.  We gave mis-advice or we sat silently.  We let each live their life, even as it was killing them, and as I look back on it all our community wasn’t too different from the church.

At the height of all my ‘living’ and some of my best performances I became uncomfortable, agitated and irritated.  Something was missing from my life.  I wasn’t living.  Don’t get me wrong, I was surrounded by plenty of people.  I could scroll down a list of numbers in my phone and have conversation, though I wasn’t heard.  I could order up sex, a date, and plan a party in minutes, but there was no intimacy in my life.  I was missing something.  I was missing.  No, He was missing from my life!  We were missing.

How do you get out of your own mess?

People create ‘messes’.  It’s what we do.  I am a ‘people’.  Some of our messes are a little easier to clean up than other’s. However, this I do know, every ‘mess’ we create has a misstep, that place where we stumbled, and we need to identify it before we slip there again.  It is not so much that we fell.  People fall all the time.  It’s understanding what created the fumble.  Where did the ‘lost son’ stumble?  Was it in the riotous living?  No, I don’t think so.  The riotous living was a result of the stumble, and therein, is where we become confused.  We don’t know the difference between the cause and the symptom.

I believe the ‘lost son’, much like myself and probably you, stumbled when he began to think he was capable of living without his father.  Work with me here for a minute.  Just allow that to simmer.  Often, we fall when we desire to do it our way.  We have the solution.  We have the plan.  We have the answer.  We begin thinking about what it would be like to have this relationship or leave that one. We start calling attorneys just to get advice. We accept the innocent lunch invitation. We let him stay for just one night. We begin talking to and listening to people who have values unlike our own, and before we know it we’re cool with them!  Their words are golden.  Yes, even us church folk.  We talk and listen to nonsense in the church without speaking the truth in love. Before we know it, we have taken our inheritance, gone to the club and we’re buying shots of Tequila for everyone.

Big Mess

My ‘mess’ was huge!  It was ugly, funky and foul.  I was silly, immature and growing full of myself.  It started with listening to filth.  Filth from church folk and clergy.  Did I agree with it?  No.  Initially, I was stunned and hurt.  Then I was confused.  Here is where I stumbled:  I feared not being a part of the clique, the membership and the ministry.  I never took my hurts, frustration or challenges to God.  I could certainly handle a few church folk, but instead I began to join in on the conversations.  I laughed at the nasty jokes.  Soon I was the conversation and eventually the butt of the nasty jokes.  I opened the door to a world so ugly, hurtful and painful, I believed the only thing left to do was end it all.  So I stopped talking.  I stopped listening.  I walked away. For 15 years of my life I did my own thing, and I thought I was cool.

Until… 

One day like that ‘lost son’, I said, “Why have I allowed hell to consume me!?”  This here…all of this performing.  All of this insanity, all of this lying, sexing, lack, using, and cheating was ENOUGH!  And like that son, “And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of they hired servants.  And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.” Luke 15:17-20 (KJV)

I love this.  The son came to himself.  I too came to myself, and said, “What the hell is going on here?”  Why do I choose to live this way? “My Father, my Father! I will rise up and go to my Father”.  Yes, that is what I said.  When you read the text, the son transitions from ‘his father’ to Father.  And beloved herein is the answer to every ‘mess’ we create.  Father, I have sinned against thee.  Now, the beauty of it all is, before the son could even get back to his father, his father saw him.  You see, neither the son or I were perfect when we came to ourselves, and yet He saw us from a great way off still stinking, still crying, filthy, and He had compassion on me.  Thank you Father.  It is the same compassion He has for you afar off.

I don’t know how many years it took the son to squander his inheritance, but I was without a relationship for 15 years, and in that 15 years I lost so much.  I lived in my Father’s house for several years. I had a relationship with him.  I stumbled. I fell. I created a mess, and left my Father’s house. Though I left and chose NOT to communicate with Him for 15 years, when I came to myself in my funky and destitute place, “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” Matthew 5:3. I recognized my condition.  ”Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted” Matthew 5:4.  I was sorry for my sin and separation from my Father.  He comforted me.

I am no longer a victim. I am no longer angry. I have forgiven others, and myself. God expects we will create ‘messes’.  His answer for our ‘mess’ is Christ.  No matter how big or small the mess, He is our answer and place for healing.  If the wound is in the church or in our home, He alone is the answer.  God never stopped talking to me.  In all of my ‘living’, deafness and with silent tongue, He never stopped speaking to me.  He waited patiently for me to return.  People prayed that I would return.

It is easy to become so blinded by sin and ‘stuff’, that we would not see God’s arms wide open, but they are. Arise!  Go to your Father.  He see’s you from afar off.  Your stage clothes don’t fool Him and your club attire doesn’t scare Him.  He alone is the answer for your ‘mess’, and with Him you never have to watch your back or perform again.  He will not only look on you, but see you and reflect His very life and peace on you.

Peace and blessings Beautiful people!